After going to the doctor this morning, I went to the big grocery store (masked, of course). While there were things I get whenever I'm there, I also got 4 things I never got before.
So I fell off-track. A monthly occurrence, to me. After the period pain has subsided, I have to spend all my energy picking up on what got left behind when the pain was the master of my being. Work comes first. Then, the home. When I'm back on track with the mind, a week has passed.
Only now, I'm sick. Tonsilitis probably, I'll have to visit the doctor on Monday. I spent yesterday after work mending. Mending a jacket for my brother, mending a flannel I got from my late grandpa, mending my sleep shirt that had a hole in the armpit. It feels pretty meditative to do hand-sewing.
Now I'm trying to mend my mind, while also trying to mend my throat by drinking copious amounts of tea and wearing my scarf.
Last night I watched this video essay about But I'm A Cheerleader because I love this movie so much and sometimes the YouTube algorithm is actually useful. As usual, I was lamenting about not having seen it when I was a teenager, in fact, I first saw it less than a year ago, being 27.
It got me thinking if I really ever saw queer (and especially sapphic) representation in the media I consumed or was aware of growing up. Mind you, I know some queer and queercoded media existed back then (I mean the very movie I talked about did exist). But I wasn't really allowed to watch TV, nevertheless in the evening when movies aired. I also didn't really seek out the TV in secret, except to watch iCarly sometimes.
When I started actively watching movies around age 14, it was mostly the things my dad liked. And yeah, I love Star Wars and action and martial arts movies can be so fun! I just never saw any rom-coms, teen movies and the like. The only rom-com I remember watching was Friends With Benefits (2011) that I watched with the guy who would turn into my friend with benefits and later on into my third and last boyfriend, 5 years ago.
Books were a different but not better affair. I've been a reader ever since I could read, and I read the magic treehouse series, then TKKG (German series about a group of teenage detectives), got obsessed with Harry Potter (fuck JKR), then as a teenager, I was mostly into YA thrillers and the occasional fantasy, basically whatever my library had that sort of fit those. They did not have anything queer with that, at least nothing that I remember, and I'm pretty sure I would remember that. In fanfiction, I started reading straight pairings (at 14 years old), accidentally read a fic that only started straight, and from then on, it was yaoi for me.
The real life was fully straight and cis. I didn't know queer people until some of my friends came out to me or I to them as bisexual after I realized at 17 (which I don't use anymore). We were never taught about queer relationships, and "schwul" (gay in German) was only ever used as a slur (when I was 10-12-ish). After that, it wasn't really talked about at all. The online spaces I frequented from 14 onwards were better, but since it was online, the other people's lives didn't feel like something I could do, myself. I'm not sure why there was this disconnect, but maybe because I never actually saw it, just read little posts and snippets.
I guess this all is to say that the comp het was all around me and that I'm sad it was that way. At the same time I'm glad that queer representation is much more prevalent in media nowadays and that queer kids are able to just come across it.
Going back to But I'm A Cheerleader, that movie touched me deeply, and I don't think I've gone more than a couple days without thinking about it, ever since I first watched it. This fundamental truth of it being okay to be queer, that it's possible to have a happy ending, even if the world around you doesn't seem like it would be possible. That.
(Slight spoilers ahead for this paragraph) Seeing Megan and Graham going from not really liking each other to developing this intimate relationship under those awful circumstances. That scene in the gay club, where they see other queer people being happily themselves. Seeing that they're desirable. And for me specifically, Graham's vibes feel similar to my own, and seeing her with Megan made me understand that I like the more feminine girls, and that more masculine girls/people are desired, because I never understood the appeal personally.
All of those are reasons why I wish I had seen this movie as a teenager already. I might have realized some things earlier. But one can't change the past, one can only change the present and future, and in overall lifespan, I'm still quite young.
I like fashion and I especially like old alt fashion. A couple days I talked about the first Fruits magazine, now it's time for the second edition. All images are courtesy of the Internet Archive.
I like how simplistic both of their outfits are. Black boots, blue pants, white shirt with a print, I especially like the one on the left. Then some simple jewelry to finish it off.
I like the sculpturality of the left look, and how unusual shapes and volume are created. The asymmetric shirt, presumably asymmetric buttoned vest, plus the wide skirt. Very cool.
Left: Having the print and focus of the look on what looks to be some sort of apron or blanket is so unusual. Also the white print on the blue in combination with the black is such a great color combo. I also find it cool how the colors of the apron are echoed in the very unusual bag.
Right: I like how this look is comprised of such simple elements, but the textures make it interesting and looking elevated. I especially how the knitted sweater contrast with the pants that don't quite look like denim.
Left: On the left person, I like how the person works with the tie, using it more as a bowtie. The details on the shirt feel so interesting in combination with it. I'm not sure about the details on the pants, but it feels interesting to echo the shirt details there. The shoes that seem to combine a red-ish brown with black are so cool.
I like what the person on the right has done with the pants, putting sort of straps on it. The shirt also looks very diy-ed, having the presumable bag worn in a way that looks quite a lot like a sash (but very punk due to the plaid) feels quite unusual.
Right: I like how simple yet interesting this look is. The main interest comes from the person's hair being in those two tiny braids that feel very similar to the hat straps from a person from the first issue. The second point of interest are the diy'ed pants with this plaid insert at the shins, which feels very unusual. I like how a very simple button-down was paired with these two interesting points.
I love this classic punk look. The asymmetric shirt is such a fun unexpected way to do it, and I really like how it's subtly mixing patterns. I also like how the belt is just peeking out. The shiny loafers are just a perfect finish here.
Knit pants with knot details and a bomber jacket? That is so fun and iconic. I don't like the feather collar because I feel uncomfortable even just looking at feathers, but if it were fake fur or something, this would be amazing. The way the white shoes being a pop of brightness in contrast to all the darkness feels very fresh.
She just looks great, ok? I like how she edged up the modern Qipao dress with the fishnets and presumably platform boots.
I'm still in terrible period pain (which is why I didn't post yesterday).
But today as I was looking up stuff on one of my favorite websites, I noticed that as of today, it's 25 years old 🥳
Go look at the birthday page, learn about its history and do the fun little quiz!
It's Tuesday now but my thoughts go back to Saturday.
Before the memory grows hazy, I'll paint a picture of fragments.
She was coming over and for once in this sad gray January, the big lemon in the sky decided to come out as well.
She'd never been over, but it didn't feel weird like it felt with most other people at first. Win, I guess, before she leaves.
I even bought fucking flowers for my table.
She did compliment my apartment a lot. Trinket tour anyone?
The reason was lunch, she's too busy to feed herself well, and me, wanting to be a friend while desperately trying to share at least small slices of her time before there will be 7 hours between her and me, I cooked.
I wanted to make my favorite unknown dish, didn't find the ingredients and panicked, ended up making one of my staples which she really enjoyed.
We had coffee, she said my hand-pouring was inefficient, I said I liked it this slow.
The balcony was freezing but what are you gonna do when sharing a thing, huh. Biggest giggles I've ever had.
She was positively bewildered at there being people who are just there, where she doesn't have to ask for help. I share the sentiment, but being there for her is the easiest thing in the world.
I sort of turned her life upside down by helping her realize that she does have ADHD. That she's not broken.
She says she never wants to be in a relationship again, and that she is done with men.
I was the one who put that idea of forever singledom into her head, weeks before I looked into the mirror and saw the fool.
At least I found the missing ingredients for my favorite dish yesterday, so maybe next weekend I can play the fool again.
I was recommended this video a couple days ago (incidentally, while doomscrolling the YouTube homepage). Since watching it I couldn't stop thinking about it.
Thinking about it, it's quite obvious, isn't it? When you need something to do with your hands and for many, there aren't other things around, plus when the phone has become a body part, that you reach for it?
She has recommended other things to do instead of phone usage. I especially like her crochet suggestion and actually crocheted a scarf over the holidays. However, what to crochet next? I don't really know how to look for patterns and my efforts in trying to do so basically only wielded feminine clothing items that I don't like (partially for gender reasons), items I won't have any use for or that clash with my aesthetic sensibilities, and the aforementioned scarf has been the exception. If you have any suggestions or tips, please do tell!
On second thought, blogging is also an anti-phone activity, and so far, I'm enjoying it!
The scarf, I followed a pattern by devout hand.
I love fashion. I love finding fashion inspiration. Especially lately I find photos from before the Instagram era just so much more interesting. Since people were not constantly bombarded with the top trends, didn't have to measure themselves against them, I feel like some people made more individualistic and creative choices. Also, I'm a slut for vintage clothes.
A go-to resource for me currently is the famous Japanese street fashion magazine Fruits that was published from 1997 to 2017. I'm looking at the issues one by one (thank you Internet Archive <3), taking notes on the outfits that speak to me. And I thought: Well why not post it? So there will be more posts like this.
Today, we talk about Issue 01, you can find it here.
Left: The white shirt with the red slashing detail reminds me of a photo of a punk band that I might mention another time. The necklace under the collar is such a sleek way to add some edge. I also enjoy the mixture of Japanese and western fashion, and how everything beside the shirt and accessories is black. My favorite detail are the glasses, they look quite secretary-like, which feels like such a cool contrast, especially with the spiky hair. Also, they look quite reddish, which is a very nice echo of the slashing in the shirt.
Right: On the left person, I like that it's basically balloon shape with balloon shape. Contrasting the sleek white of the jacket with this grey in this texture feels so refreshing. I also like how the shorts have these black patches in illogical places, that is so weird and fun.
Left: I like the blue tie-dyed shirt and how the rest of the outfit is just black and white. The white being only in the shoes looks so interesting to me. It's so minimal overall which feels streamlined.
Right: On the left person, I like the pants. I also like how they were paired with very minimal white that echoes the white cranes, the white details echoed in the white soles of the shoes, and how it was made edgy by the stud bracelet and spiky hair. Doing edgy in such a minimal way feels very fresh to me.
What a fun look! It looks pretty classic punk, with the jacket having a military-esque cut, plaid in the shorts, skull motif on the scarf, studs in belts and bracelets, buttons on the jacket, and suit-ish shoes being a slightly unusual pick, but they seem to echo creepers that were worn by teddy boys in the 1950s. I especially like how the buttons are just all piled on under the breast pocket, and I like how the scarf is tied so that the motif is visible while not taking attention away from the buttons.
Left: Everything about this outfit is so fun! First of all, the very tame-seeming bow on the shirt, yet that label(?) makes it feel a bit more rough. The shirt itself is very traditional, which makes for such an incredible contrast with the rest of the pieces. I really like the white paint on the knees of the jeans, so edgy and DIY. I especially like how the white sort of echoes the shirt. Finally, the hat is incredibly surprising, being the only colorful piece, and stylistically quite unexpected with the widely known base of jeans and a button-down. The combination of the hot pink with the blue-ish plaid works so well and I would have never thought to put these together.
Right: I like how the ruffles of the shirt collar poke out under the sweater vest.
Left: The textures!!! That what to me looks like crushed velvet texture with the fuzzy plaid scarf, mixed with a knitted sweater where we only see the cuffs, the rough jeans with the visible hem, and then leather on the shoes, plus of course the comfy hat. I like how the red comes through in the scarf and socks, the brown in the jacket and shoes, and the blue in the hat, somewhat the sweater cuffs, and the denim. The shape of the hat feels very unexpected yet so so right for this look.
Right: The striped scarf with the differently striped jacket feels very fun.
Left: On the left person, I really like how the hat color is sort of matched to the coat color, and is not black. The strings on the hat just hanging down feels like such a cool detail. I also like how in the outfit, the black of the shoes is only echoed in the flowers of the skirt.
Right: The colors! The textures! The layering! I like how everything non-white is in the same color family. Having a pattern only in the sleeves feels so unusual yet fun. Having the huge white collar is just a fun sculptural detail, and it being mirrored in the white shoes just balances the look very well. The velvet of the shirt and the suit fabric of the pants are just a great contrast, this would look cool even without the collar or sleeves. Lastly, I really like all the gold jewelry, it feels pretty unexpected, especially the face jewelry.
Left: I find it just so fun how the top half of the outfit looks just entirely conservative school uniform-esque (aside from the hair), and then the bottom is just fully alternative.
What I like best is how the destroyed denim contrasts so wonderfully with the top half of the outfit.
Right: I really enjoy both of their striped scarves with the suit-ish jackets. The texture of the scarves looks so cozy and reminds me of the mohair sweaters that were popular in vintage punk fashion, giving a nice contrast. The red of the scarf being (almost) the sole pop of color in the otherwise neutral looks is incredible.
The Gorgon (Gorgenhaupt), Wilhelm Trübner, 1891.
I have a print of it in my gallery wall. This painting keeps fascinating me. It is beautiful, it is grotesque in its beauty, it feels a bit obscene to look at sometimes. It feels surreal even though the style is quite realistic. It feels powerful. To me, it has the message of embracing the dark side, the messy, the grotesque. Owning it, being oneself even if one is not like the others. Harnessing that power.
Gorgons feel powerful in their meaning. Medusa is the most prominent of the gorgons, and many don't know she's a gorgon at all. I didn't know before I came across this painting. She is not the only gorgon in mythology however, her two sisters Stheno and Euryale are too. Gorgons are female monsters that instill dread, have terrifying eyes and whose blood is said to have power to both heal and harm. They used to be depicted as ugly but over time got depicted as beautiful young women more often. (Source: Wikipedia)
According to Wikipedia, gorgon comes from old Greek gorgós (γοργός) meaning "grim, fierce, awesome, dazzling" when spoken about the look. Others suggest the term gorgons comes from referring to the throat (gorge), or from an onomatopoeia with "grrrr" sounds.
